Quarter-life Crisis

I am nearly 20 years old, and I usually hate my life.

Why? Honestly, I'm not quite sure. I guess because I feel like I'm boring. I don't really do anything besides work and school, I only speak when spoken to, I do as I'm told. I never really made my own identity, I just follow along (not willingly of course, just look back at my last few bloggs, one of them is about me wanting to have an identity separate from my brothers) and try to stay out of trouble.

When? For a few years now honestly, but it really struck me hard whenever I started college last year and realized just how sheltered and boring I really was.

I've considered trying more dangerous things, challenging my concept of me, trying to break out of the mask others created for me. I've thought about drinking and/or smoking (still haven't done either), I've thought about trying to be more outgoing and maybe getting a girlfriend (just thought again), I've even considered joining the military (I'm too lazy though, and let's be honest, I don't exactly have the physique for that), but usually those sort of thoughts end as just that. Thoughts.

I'm not sure if this sort of thing is common, but I do know that Mid-Life-Crises are very common, and John Updike's "Separating" is about one man getting a divorce because of his Mid-Life-Crisis.

I've tried talking to people about it, but usually I either get laughed at (apparently I joke a lot) or I get told I'm being too dramatic, so if this is more than just my own feelings, I'd appreciate someone getting back to me on that.

A Broken Image

It's a very easy trap to fall in to, and as far as I've noticed, everyone's done it at some point in their life.

"My situation is horrible, everyone should feel sorry for me, no one feels worse than me right now!"

I was at work one day, and a coworker and an assistant manager were talking, so naturally, being the creeper that I am (ssssss... sorry, Minecraft joke...), I started to eavesdrop.

"I hate the idea of minimum wage, I hate the idea of poverty, I hate that some people have to work their..."

At first, I was thinking, yeah, preach it Andy (that's the assistant manager's name), but after a little while of listening to them talk, I was disgusted...

I may not live the most flamboyant lifestyle, but I do live surprisingly well. I have a somewhat stable roof over my head, I eat plenty of meals a day (junk food, but it's still food), I have light, water, I even have a good car and good insurance on the car and the apartment, a decent phone, and I still can afford all of these things with a little money leftover! This is, of course, on that minimum wage they were discussing, working about 30 hours/week. I also am able to go to school, in a safe environment, and be educated in many different subjects.

To sum it up, I feel like I'm a pretty darn lucky guy, when you look at people who can't even manage to get food, let alone shelter for even a night or a nice bath! And that's not all! Even the poor people in our society are better off than people in other countries who get even less than our poor does!

But humans define their lives with suffering (that is a loose quotation of the Matrix), we feel like if we're not suffering we're not really living, so we rationalize that by finding things to complain about, just showing how spoiled we really are. I've never had my home broken before, my parents are currently still together. I'm better off than the narrator in "The Broken Home." It's just a hard concept to grasp whenever you're staring down the barrel of life's challenges, but once you grasp that, life actually seems very cheerful, even in the face of hopelessness and bleakness.

In the Parrish District

As we were discussing "In the Miro District" in class, Dr. Vince stated that it seems like for men (or rather boys, as this is the coming of age to become men) define who they are by getting away from their fathers, or in this stories case, the narrator's grandfather. Afterwards, he asked the girls in the room if this is true for them as well, but most of them said no if I remember correctly (although one lady said it was that way with her and her sister), which actually tied along with what I have been learning in my Developmental Psychology class. Growing up, girls tend to enjoy enabling activities (their actions and remarks tend to support others and sustain the interaction) while boys tend to enjoy constricting activities (one partner tries to emerge as the victor by threatening or contradicting the other), which to me suggests that even at an early age, boys strive to be different.

This also went along with my own experiences, except instead of striving to be different from my father, I strived to break away from my older and younger brother, which is surprisingly difficult. I feel a deep sense of shame whenever I'm compared to them, even if I came out as the better brother, because I feel like we shouldn't even be comparable. I strive to be nothing like them, yet I'm constantly hearing the same things.
"Oh, you guys look just alike, are ya'll brothers?"
"Well he's already just like his brother, you're a little late Parrish."
"Awe, he's so nice and caring, ya'll must be brothers."
It all makes me sick. I wish I knew just how to actually gain my own identity, instead of feeling like I'm just another of the Parrish boys...

The Invisible Me (LOOK AT ME!!!)

"Oh, Kyle, when did you get there?"

I've heard that statement so many times it should be my catch phrase. And no, I don't just sneak up on people and surprise them. Oftentimes I'll be sitting right in front of them the whole time, waving my arms in front of them trying desperately to ask them a question (I'm always full of questions), and only then do they FINALLY notice me.

In Ralph Ellison's "The Invisible Man", the narrator has much the same issue (although to be fair, he is much less successful at even being noticed when he tries to get attention the way I do), and he is very bitter and angry by this fact. Don't get me wrong, I am also bitter, and occasionally I get angry at my seemingly invisibleness, but he clearly is a few steps above me in that area.

As the narrator has pointed out, there are some ups and downs to being invisible, and to follow along with Ellison's pattern, I'll start with the negative effects of visual nonexistence.

1. Many questions go unanswered because they are forced to go unquestioned.
Think about it. In class, when you need the teacher's help with something, the teacher can't help you if the teacher doesn't see you need help. Several times I've had to just figure things out on my own because searching for help was fruitless.

2. It's hard not to feel isolated.
Because of being invisible, it's hard to successfully approach someone to become their friend, and transversely it's very unlikely that I would be approached by another person. So instead I simply sit around other people, watching them talk, imagining myself making friends that way.

I'm sure there are many more negative effects of social invisibility, but those two in particular bother me. However, invisibility comes with many perks as well.

1. It's easy to sneak around without getting in trouble.
If I feel like I'm about to have to do something that I don't want to do, I can just easily sneak away before I'm asked to do it, and no one even notices (or if they do they don't bring it up to me later). Also, if I need to make an urgent phone call, it's easy to creep off without being rude.

2. My mistakes are constantly blamed on other people.
Yes, I'll admit I make a lot more mistakes at work than they give me credit for, simply because (to them) when the mistake was made, I was nowhere to be found, so it had to have been someone else.

3. I am constantly hearing things that most people consider private.
It's not uncommon for me to hear people share their secrets with people they trust, paying absolutely no mind to the unassuming figure right beside or even often times right in front of them.

There are many more perks as well I am sure, but these three help me feel better about my invisibleness.